Saturday, March 18, 2006

I am going to be an OFFICER CADET.

My heart was thumping very very hard when the computer was loading. God, why! Never actually felt the posting mattered until 30 seconds before the results appeared.

What a relief, a joke, a disappointment all at the same time. Relief, that hey, this is something I wanted and I got it, by coincidence or design! Disappointment, that hey, I'm going to be away for 3 WEEKS one shot, and somewhere in the course, a 21-day field camp, which is going to haunt me like a sick bastard with what we call heat rash. It's a joke because I imagine myself on the battlefield, with a sharp spear, donning a headdress, with a huge flag behind that reads SHENG ("victory" in chinese), running with mettle, spouting warcries, in all that smoke and ruckus. I will be dashing right into my enemy, and bang, alas, an M16 has shot me down. All that training in NS gone to waste, as my men charge forward and stomp on my unbattered body.

It's amusing, seeing everybody all moan and groan about their postings. We all said we wanted to get into slack units, but it seems like everybody in the leadership batch is fated to go into xiong vocations, even if it's just an operator or combat medic. I like to partake in these grouchy sessions where we simply lie lazily one afternoon and just grumble for nothing, sigh for nothing, and eat things we want to because we wil not get a chance quite soon. It's less stressful this way and at least everyone's going through the same journey.

Haha, my grandmother, known to be hard-mouthed and extremely repulsed by the idea of the family driving up to Yishun to visit her, most strangely rang us up to propose a dinner at Sembawang. NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. She wore her new clothes, the specs that she likes to wear on special occasions, with a slight smile on her face. Just looking at her face - the gnarled hands, the flesh at the edges of her mouth that droops like a hounddog, the wrinkled skin, the toothless grin, just listening to her old stories about how neighbours like to pluck her flowers, and how she was given a fridge this morning, just makes you look at life from another perspective. My auntie held her hand, like I held Tabithan's hand. She has a gaping mouth, so do I.

Sarah Jessica Parker is my new-found idol. In the sense that she has this mature uptightness and somehow at the same time, this youthful wildness that I find ESPECIALLY attractive. Those eyes, that jaw, MAN, how can someone look so beautiful. That jaw especially.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Life's getting a little stagnant, a little bland and a little slack. A little because you know it's bad, but you want to keep it that way. That ease of mind is again slightly too uneasy, as if a price has to be paid on a future date yet to be determined.

I have decided that I shouldn't teach. One of my teachers from Cat High hit it right on the nail. I've got the passion for my subject, my craft, whatever it is, but I do not see how I can commit to my students, to each of them wholeheartedly. I like what I would teach, but do I like to teach?

Keith did relief teaching last month at Cat High. What an amusing sight! "Put that stack of books on my table. Who didn't hand in?", the shirt and the pants, the air of dignity that begs respect, that weaving in and out of the office. I am attracted to this kind of lifestyle in that it gives me stress and buzz, hustle and activity, but I am only attracted so much, like a kiwi sweet that tastes immensely pleasing, but leaves a bitter aftertaste. You want to spit it out, yet you know you have to shut your mouth for it needs to stay because of a certain committment, a certain obligation.

Alas, then it dawned on my highly RIGID, INFLEXIBLE mind that I could still teach any time. Like I could take up a job at a cafe or become a planner, anytime I want, as long as I want. Life is not just a bond, or a university education, it stretches to that very moment God tells us that hey, you've done enough, it's time for you to proceed to another life. That's where I find another route, another kiwi sweet.

Yes, how could I forget that session on Friday, helping out my TSD juniors with some of their pieces. Satisfaction all over. I BET some juniors have no idea what I'm saying, eg Saiful! haha, for I was stuttering alot, because in my head, I had so MANY MANY MANY ideas, suggestions about what was good and what was bad, all too exciting, like a child who just discovered he could walk and dying to express his glee. TSD HAS DONE SOMETHING TO ME! you find yourself considering so many possibilities, finding the right answer a la Ms Lian's video. It is that extra nuance, or that lift of a hand, that final whisper instead of a holler that is going to make it ALL work. Feel like grabbing a script now!

Friday is my posting results day. What nerves.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I passed out this evening. How surreal. As I stood on my feet in the sun, the floating figures of pairs of fathers and mothers, a gadget or two in their hands, actively wriggling toes, the euphoria as well as fear of being in the first row of a centre contingency. I failed in a KEKENAN LOOROOS, what a shame. And that tongue that just kept licking the salty sweat between the lips and the nose. It was over.

I think today, I held my head high. I was proud. 9 weeks. All over, even before the bullet hit the bull's eye.

Asia is changing. I keep thinking that China is really edging ahead. They've got this brilliant plan (finally) to improve the rural landscape and lifestyle. They're increasing military spending. They've got their triumph cards on the places they think are right. On the other hand, Mdm Aroyoyoyo and Mr Thaksin seem to be burying their countries beneath heaps of protest detritus, and yes, they both think they're right. I can only see self-destruction in both. Big plans meet bureaucratic difficulties. Divided interests meet political turmoil. Maybe we should stop progressing. So the next step will not lead on to more good or more bad.

I really have nothing to say. Army life has been so boring, yet exciting at the same time. You've got that anticipation for meals, that dread of the POP rehearsals. You've got that super engaging talk cock sessions, you've also got that fatigue from punishments. I miss it but also dislike it.

My results for the As are good. I feel happy. Econs S. Gosh, a merit is a gift from Heaven. Geog S... hmmm... after thinking long about it, who cares? I've written what I wanted and I don't hold it against Cambridge for not taking to my ideas, but it would be a good million dollar prize, if I could have a chat with the guy who marked my essay and really have a good cup of coffee over a discussion of my essay and the topics. I think that's the ideal afternoon for me. Plus, more pastries and pasta and side dishes that is.

On to a week break from the greens and the marches.

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