Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

Shit! Preserve this moment of happiness!

Shit! Don't let it leave! I'm not desperate of happiness but when you find it, better grab it coz it's not going to stay for long.

Cat High did EXTREMELY well for 'O's and I wonder if the whole of Singapore improved or something. This Hak Boon of a Hak Boon works like a pupeteer. I don't know if it's good or bad. But what the hell? When have we ever hit below 11 for average? Cynical all of a sudden. Feel quite damned, and out of place in time I think. I hope I was 3 years old or 90 something. Either way, to get out of this phase in life to live something else.

Everytime I use the computer, my left leg is perched on a paper bin just beside my armchair. I wonder what my life would be if someone actually placed a foot on me for an hour or even more.

Today the teachers talked about our ISes. I was wishing at that moment in time, that a senior had helped me trace the process, progression and fluctuations in emotions, feelings and thoughts I'm supposed to feel a week ago, now and the 3 weeks coming. The amazing thing about TSD (and ARTS, I know Sammy boi is going to hit me now with his hockey stick. :p) is that you can take things slowly and develop, yet intensely work at your craft and not know what's in store after a rehearsal break or a trashing session. It's a game, I took a risk and since I chose to do DS, I will face it, move on, and FIGHT MY WAY TO THE END!!!!!!!!!!!

The full balloon just found a hole at the bottom unshaded portion.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, February 28, 2005 | Permalink

If any junior sees this, please note that: (although this place is quite remote and doubt any '05 peple will read this, I think I understand how it feels to be anxiously waiting for a result that concerns leaving a place you've grown attached to or watching others fade out into oblivion)

I sincerely wish all of you good luck. Especially to PRIMA DAWN-A's fantastic crew and the A55 clique and my DS juniors. Peace to the world, and I think no matter what happens, nothing changes.

Although I don't tell my brother in the face, I think I have always been very proud of him as a person. He's a pro, although not academically. I prayed yesterday at a church service that he will do well for his 'O' Levels. I know it will be answered. I know that although he never seemed to care about his studies, he secretly wished that he had done it and well. Sometimes, my mother compares the both of us. Sometimes, I know he feels lousy, and as a brother, I've never actually bothered to do anything, to help in any way. Feel quite ashamed sometimes, coz I think I've never really cared as an elder brother, never actual fulfilled the role of a brother. All I hope now is that he will call me tomorrow in the afternoon with good news.

All is well again.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, February 27, 2005 | Permalink

There is now a reason for going to school. There is now happiness to seek because there is something to occupy my mind. I will have directions no matter what comes my way, and in the end I might fail, I might succeed but I know I have changed lives, good or bad.

Today I was quite at peace with myself. But am quite disappointed with 2.4 coz I gave up half-way and I was paced to finish below 10 minutes. It just didn't feel right although there was no ache or pain, so I stopped. I was freaking pissed at myself, honestly. Now I have to go for 3rd period PE, which is utter crap.

I realised that sometimes to get my mind off things, I should give myself short-term goals. Been looking for some direction in my life and my latest is to finish up my duo with Esmonde by next Saturday. The challenge is to perform for Victorian's Day. Suddenly, you get this adrenaline and this desire to accomplish the goal. I know it's mad but here we come.

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, February 24, 2005 | Permalink

Prima Dawn-a got a D! Relieved? Sad? Disappointed? But I think pride comes with no price tag because it can't be bought. I secretly think we stole the most and fuddled with the most. I am satisfied.

Today suddenly, groups just broke out of their skins and decided to form new fruits. I think I'm a seed, who wants to break out and leave and float to a new island, but am lost in the waves because prospects are not certain. AH YAR, WAIT UNTIL AFTER IS!!!

I think the train should wait for me, but should I make an earlier trip to the train station? I think the sky would rain later, but should I keep the drying oranges? I think the fan will blow me away, but should I keep myself in the cupboard? I think I love life because in exchange for things that come to me, I come to life.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, February 21, 2005 | Permalink

Group is over. Doh~. Almost felt numb. It ended just like that, after weeks, days and nights of trauma and drama. Suddenly, I needn't stay back in school till 10 or 11. Suddenly, I didn't have to memorise a script. Suddenly, the only focus in my life for days has fallen on the ground.

Yesterday, I went to the beach with the TSD peeps. Someone in the group told me (I forgot who) that although everyone was marching to East Coast, singing and dancing, clapping and laughing, we weren't happy at all, in fact depressed. I agreed totally. I guess we suddenly have one less thing on our minds, and we have to return to focus on other things that may or may not be pleasant babies to embrace.

I told Shaun, "Theatre brings you on two extremes of emotions." You feel an inordinate amount of happiness after performing but you feel forlorn and detached after leaving the space because it has all ended - the good and bad memories, the silent nights, the camaraderie, the pizza and food galore, the tears that never fell, the only things on our empty heads. It just switches from a to z, with no warning or advice whatsoever, and the journey ahead is a fight against solitude.

Friday night, I rested hard. Because I fought hard. I deserved every minute of bed time. No stars in Bishan compared to the shores of the East, where I laid in complete comfort of the cold sand. Look ahead, move on.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, February 19, 2005 | Permalink

I killed my wife because
Of her idiot of a child.
I killed her not because I didn't love her,
But because her seeds grew too wild for me to gather.

I killed a mouse and cried two hundred
Weeks of silent bogus.
Pinball, nooses, noses
Sniff a sinister parader.

Not an Aceh victim,
But more so a victim.
Madly, deeply, sorrily,
Munched away the last limb.

But two days ago,
I married this idiot of a wife.
Just when I thought I found Ms Right,
She slammed me and told me that her first name,

Was always.
I killed my wife because my eyes my nose my ears,
Told a story of a fairytale.
My first name

Was never.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, February 13, 2005 | Permalink

Got caught climbing the gate. I was damn suay to have Mr. TAN YEW HUI's car whizz by just as I did that 3-second climb over the red gate. What's worse, Mr. SEET was in the car. Damn my luck. My ez-link was confiscated. What the hell. I think I will be looking for 20-cent coins on the field next Monday.

29. That's my position for Cross-Country. So near yet so far from the top 20, it feels quite shitty because you know that if you chionged a little more or gulped some isotonic drink before the race or killed a few dumb trackers in front, you would have made it. But I'm satisfied with the result still, didn't get my timing though. The sports people like to shout ocassionally to boost energy. I act seh and tried it. It actually worked. So imagine a troupe of people running and shouting "HA!" periodically. Quite funny. And I rammed into two old grandmas walking down the bridge and got cursed.

I will remember JING ZE for overtaking me at the last 10 metres. I used to like to sneak up from people's backs when running and overtake them, so they are caught by surprise and will eventually lack the energy to accelerate by then and lose out. Not today. The best thing about today and every race, is that you feel like Hell when running, but you feel like Heaven when you finish.

Was at the esplanade library and watched this series of short clips from plays from the local theatre scene. There was M Butterfly with the most innovative set I've seen, Forbidden City with *drumrolls* Leigh McDonald blahblahblah. Reminds me of Young Co. and local theatre practitioners. Very nostalgic. Emma Yong shared a very fresh perspective on Singapore theatre in a recent magazine I read, "Overseas, we Asians get cast stereotypical roles. In Singapore, we do all sorts of theatre close to our hearts. The local theatre scene is a big family and we know each other very well already."

Posted by Brandon at Friday, February 11, 2005 | Permalink

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone. Not gonna be an anti-devil and say I want world peace or disasters to all go away. Bad things do happen, and without evil comes no good. I just hope everyone gets what they've always wished for. You are happiest only when you receive that one thing you've waited all your life for. A brief craving for whipped potatoes doesn't count.

The Amazing Race finale was a disappointment. Rooted for Adam and Rebecca but they lost steam because of the DAMNED JAL flight attendant. Screwed up and rigid system the world has decided to adopt to ensure order. Anyway, the last hour of the show was boring because one, there was no nail-biting finish, it was all quite expected. Two, the route marker challenges were unexciting. Was anticipating something worth puking for, or simply mind-boggling, especially the last leg! Ended up with some dubious tasks like eating a pathetic tomato pizza with cheese and canoeing.

This season looked more like the couple reunion more than the other seasons. Quite out of the blue, Aaron proposed to Hayden after their worst leg ever on the race. And after so many tiffs and bickering, Freddy deemed Kendra the most perfect soul. My inner cynicism has told me that the breath of fresh air for the next season, Rob and Amber, will be the only breath of fresh air unless Amazing Race steps up their game. But Amazing Race still *****.

rocks is such a cliche.
sucks is the exact opposite to what I mean.
licks is totally off.
wins is one letter off.
shines is one letter off too.

I'm quite happy for now. Sqiurming through the crowds in Chinatown, eating full meals and drinking non-stop, visiting and collecting red packets, kissing school goodbye and breathing newness everywhere. If I were 100 years old this year, would I get tired of this? I think I definitely would. My point is that, this sense of festivity will fade off very soon. I started out 200 percent enthu at 9, 150 percent at 15, now it's 100 percent, twenty years down the road, I guess I'd be flying overseas just to flee this thing called CNY.

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, February 10, 2005 | Permalink

I have so many things to say but my mouth disallows my discourse.

I feel inferior. Sometimes, I just like to stone and compare myself to other people in school. Today it seemed like the world just decided to go against me - everyone looked so popular, so happy, so smiley, so physically strong, so articulate, so elastic. I felt like a drumlet at the carrot cake stall, a pearl in an empty bubble tea cup, a seed in a tonne of watermelon juice. I went to East Coast today and the waters were extending their warmth to me, inviting me towards the vast sea. I could swim to a faraway island and never return. And because I chose not to, people bought me because I was cheap and didn't even ask for change.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, February 07, 2005 | Permalink

Today I returned with Crystal, Zhanhui and Liting to Salvation Army and realised the sofa which I ripped open yesterday afternoon is gone already. Had some satisfying purchases like tikki light torches, angel model and finally THE MONKEY. Other than the torches, the model and monkey were bloody cheap.

Just got screwed. The claims for the seniors' tickets last year were rejected after I handed in the forms and so, Nicole and Christine can't get back their 60 percent reimbursements. Amounts to a grand total of a few hundreds. I'm quite guilty because I procrastinated and left it to the end of last year to do it. Then Mrs Low asked me to hand it in this year. I don't know. Will try very hard to see what I can do.

We celebrated Lofty's birthday in the small, futuristic, cushioned studio as if it was built specially for him. We sat in an immaculate semi-circle and he was just at the middle of its diameter - the core, and has always been. Lofty has saggy, gnarled skin on his face but I realised his smile conveys a true happiness that I can't seem to bring out or emmulate. It is a smile that has crossed a thousand seas from Africa to Thailand to bring more smiles to others, and for him to finally set foot on Singapore, we are absolutely lucky to have him around.

I guess some Year Twos might wonder what we did in that "one hour" of rehearsal leading to gala night. It was one teacher and one student (remember the "Empty Space"?). Such a theatrical believability. One talked, the other listened attentively, and it happened both ways. One acted, the other observed silently, and it happened both ways. It was a real, stress-brings-out-humanity talk with the real Mr Lofthouse. Amid the desperation to get an absurdly Absurd piece on stage on GALA Night, it was more of an invaluable experience rather than a struggle with time and an unfortunate loss of a precious wallet. I guess the transient meeting was worth more than the hunger, the notes of memory and cash, the ATM and the IC, and the selfish reality of playful wannabes in our midst.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, February 05, 2005 | Permalink

Group group group. We have been meeting everyday of the week yes? Yes. Every night I go home after 9pm, I sense a deariness and weariness but much accomplishment because something has been done. Sorry to group folks. Never had a chance to explain myself, but it was a combination of extreme stress, lack of sleep, cca worries, inertia, family problems that led to the "blood on the floor". Apologies and hoping for a whacking good piece.

Today, the school had some agent come over to take down some of the lights along the stairs at the chandelier. And they wanted to throw them away! Of course, I stole them for my DS. Hehe~. It was perfect! Went to Salvation Army but it was closed. Rummaged through some stuff at the "discard area" and found a good sofa. No, no, no, I didn't bring home the sofa, I merely ripped off the cover. Took quite a while because I even stole the covers for the cushions. Gives me a sense of satisfaction.

I finally wrote to Michael Corbidge about quitting YC and I feel relieved. Just as I coincidentally saw Bang near East Coast jogging just this afternoon, Christian Huber e-mailed all of us to say the Malaysia tour is CANCELLED!!! WHAT A LETDOWN! WHAT A FREAKING DISAPPOINTMENT! O man, I couldn't believe it. The theatre was booked already, permission was granted, just that the Malaysia people aren't willing to sponser. Screw them la. I really want to go.

The haste of life has put me "on a conveyor belt heading for the end of a cliff". Late nights are my newest enemies.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, February 04, 2005 | Permalink