Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

I typed brandonho into my blogger username and pressed enter today. I don't know why, I've been typing brandon80eggs for more than a year. For the first time, I typed something other than that.

Heck. Studying getting quite a bore. You throw that stack of population and urban geog notes on the table and sigh again, because you're going to PLOUGH through them again. It's like doing Central Problems of Economics for the 10th time, or the first page of Decline and Fall where I will never forget the day I smashed my reputation in the LIT department for inquring deeper into "stoned to death by champagne bottles", or for that matter, came up with the then-logical, now-absurd interpretation of TROUT. I actually fancy the word PLOUGH alot, because it 1) shows the drag 2) brings about a positive connotation of having at least something to reap 3) is very rural, country, farmer.

Was surfing on my brother's comp, and visited his favourites. And came across this quite famous blog. Saw her face on newspaper before. But she looks damn stuck up, one of those faces you look at from afar and go "quite promising", and when you see her up close, you feel the itch to just pUnCh this lady to ...somewhere. And I don't know why she looks ermm very unreal. An excerpt:

"I'm now 21, with 10,000 readers on this blog everyday.I'm a full-time blogger, and I earn my income solely from this blog. Which is why, if you are an advertiser you should look for me. If you are just a reader, just continue reading. :)I claim to be single (if you see me with unidentified males, it is not me).What else is there? Oh, and perhaps I should inform you guys that the FAQs are highly outdated, so don't bother to read them."

She earns from her blog. What a world.

Was trying to surf the Net for reviews of TSd texts. And found out that Mother Courage is the name of a band, which I never knew. And also Iceman Cometh is the name of a recent kung-fu serial in Hong Kong, which I also never knew.

Went to play soccer with my neighbours and I can safely DECLARE I suck at it. When you can't come up with the sleek moves, you just make the weirdest moves, using more than your legs. I felt many a time, to just do headers, because waiting for a ball to fall to your legs 1) takes quite long 2) with my tackling, it'd be gone quite quickly frankly. But it was one funny day.

Another I WANT TO PUNCH HER read: (In her own FAQ)

Is that picture you? -Ah huh.

Well, that's pretty! -Oh really? Well, thank you. But do not give the credit of those looks to me! Give it to Adobe Photoshop. My pictures are all enhanced (and trust me, I am good at it), so minus 40% and you get the real thing. =D

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, October 29, 2005 | Permalink

I saw people in my house as animals. The maid (not stereotypically, but really) holding on to a broom, tickling my brother. She with her loose over-sized leopard shirt. Brother's body stretched over the egg (a chair that looks like an egg), his head hanging over the edge, like a goose licking water. My aunt, yes, I'm growing to repel her, coz she just nags and nags. to say she's a parrot is an understatement or doesn't do a parrot justice because 1) she talks more than that 2) parrot is quite cliche.

Blog taggers are like divers, they can see the sky, but ocassionally pop their heads to tag, although it doesn't give them a clearer view of the sky. It gives them an ability to talk, not puff up the mouth with air underwater.

The rain in VJC. Little holes in the brick walls along the road into canteen had holes from which water oozed continuously from. Drains were full. The tree houses looked like they could collapse or rot in the rain. Students scared off their butts to walk along a narrow strip of sheltered road. Not knowing it has rained when cooped up in an LT listening to a British accent rather than the sound of rain. Wet the doors and cleaned the school. The storm brought back a long lost appetite for food, a merit that wins all demerits. Strange people longing for ice-cream in the ice-scream.

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, October 25, 2005 | Permalink

This sounds really stupid, but I'm back on the runway. Mr Cook nailed down immense possibilites in answering, far-reaching consequences of absenting myself and suddenly. Another gamble. Another stab in the dark.

Yar, there's nothing to say really, except that it's gotten more intense now. I can literally feel the extra burden on the shoulders. It's sinister, because I'm falling ill again! How Econs S drains your energies. Sounds almost a plot fragment from Beloved.

Another sterling example of my fickle-mindedness. Doesn't it suck when you know somethings's wrong with you, but it's hell to fix it.

Switching between validity and non-validity.

I watched this film three days ago, before all this Econs S stuff, that really impacted me. Forgot the name but it's about faith/religion versus relationship. A line goes, "There's NOTHING about you that's not skin deep." It made me feel quite hollow. And alarmed me to realities of the world. Have we got the substance in ourselves already, or are we still looking for it. Are we all just skin deep.

Just "a jungle" someone planted in us, that "changed and altered" them. Are we all just a "peanut crunching crowd", mocking and mocking, and see nothing of ourselves. We only have so much a life, but all we manage to touch and penetrate is only superficial.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, October 21, 2005 | Permalink

I wish I could do it! AHHH!! But I cannot!

Finally, all pent-up frustrations LET LOOOSe.

Econs S NO MORE.

Just like that. In LT 4, I made that fateful decision. To me=, it felt like just another session of droning I hear from Mr Cook. He's A GREAT teacher, with GREAT knowledge about what he teaches, NO DOUBT! And he makes GENUINELY funny jokes! But I just cannot connect with most things he says. I went out towards the end, just madly furious about my inadequate level of understanding, sat talking to Mr Young, and told him, "God, How foolish I am to think that a miracle would happen! I'v wasted 2 hours each week on Thursday sitting there not knowing what's going on, and still going there faithfully every week without fail!"

I dropped it partly because my grades were just wayyyyyy off Merit, but mostly also more importantly, A NEED TO STOP THINKNG ABOUT IT. If there's any reason I'm hanging on, it's ONLY because I can be a top student. Shit, that is what I've had been deluding myself with! For months for weeks!!!!!!!!!! I don't NEED THAT! I have my UCL and geography waiting for me. And it's UCL and geography waiting for me. And I think that's all my need.

Of course, who doesn't want a Econs S honour to just drop from the sky. Here, I salute the survivors of Econs S because it's just beyond humanity's ability to tackle this ORDEAL. Man, STILL I cannot believe I went for Econs S EVEVVVEVEVVEERY WEEK.

ECONS S, BURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, October 20, 2005 | Permalink

I have got all my prom night COSTUME bought. All one shot, without any plan.

My MUM, had an urge for Cafe Cartel Set lunch. So we went. Then she said she wanted to shop, then yes, I followed. Then I saw quite nice pair of shoes. Cheap leather shoes from Bata. "Okay, buy for you." Then I thought it was time to go home. Then she said she wanted to go Bugis to "find something". You know when women say "find something", it means nothing but shopping. Then it became a shopping spree to buy things FOR me. And everything's bought. Shoes, shirt, jacket, pants. On the way back, she even added, "Brandon, I wish you knew how to dress yourself up." I THINK I can do that. Then she went on rattling about accessories I should get for my COSTUME.

My mum is this SPENDTHRIFT. She bought her own clothes and stuff today without THINKING. I felt it more today, because I was the one who's going to wear what she bought, and I just feel awkward spending a woman's money. I declare myself quite thrifty a person, except when it comes to meals, but ! Her indulgent card swiping. My long wait for her outside the changing room. Her asking me for opinions on whether to buy a black top or brown top. I'm not going to find a wife like that. But don't mind a mum like that, really.

And her friend is going to buy my father an XL G-string, I just overheard her saying on the phone. ?!??? She's going PARTYINNGNNGNGNGG tonight again. Again, it's another weird image to see my mum and papa dancing on the dance floor, swaying to the beat and getting drunk? With all the hip youngsters around, and you see two middle-aged AH kong Ah ma dancing.

So, I'm back now at 9. My parents need to stop. Our last purchase was a baguette, which ironically, the cheapest thing we bought today, was what I felt the most worthwhile "acquisition". Luckily there's school tomorrow, (my whole family is free tomorrow and they are contemplating Malaysia again...) if not another day wasted.

STUDY HARD, EVVVVERYBUDDIIII!

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, October 18, 2005 | Permalink

I came home from a FEAST, quite happy, very bloated. Contemplating a hot bath, watch the Apprentice and go to sleep.

Then, the enlistment letter sits on the dining table. For the first time, I felt like it's going to come. Thought of No feast, no bloated, no hot bath and little sleep. For the first time, it hit home - the idea of NS.

And I AM SCARED. Any guy who DENIES that, and jolly says, "Ah, can one! Go in and have fun!", like I have always told people, are indeed the biggest liars. There is definitely fear, somewhere. I'm not worried about food, though I eat alot and can do well with more, but it's not that. It's not the physical training, I can stretch like a rubber band. It's the mental endurance, of SUDDENLY finding yourself without someone to wash your shoes, without a computer to TYPE POSTS, without many things that have cushioned your life.

Looking around in a sea of botaks. No one familiar.

Blank. 6 JAN 2006. 3.45pm.

FAREWELL ASSEMBLY - Went to school, not expecting much, but left school, with so many friends with dried tears, a BIG scoop of renewed memories and a load of photos to boot. It was a saddening day, but I think it's not going to change our impression of JC life, only reinforced it. I think the EULOGY was sentimentally charged, sincere, but somehow I found it hard to feel anything. I tried looking for something to feel, but it was somewhat confusing, and instead of finding an adjective to feel, I chose a verb, to reminisce. There needed no sappy exchange. Just imagine a scenerio where I tell you how much I love you, and how much these memories meant to me, and yes I will cherish it, but shit, I still have to see you in school tomorrow. It makes life very awkward.

Maybe I'm just someone who has a rusted lid, a rusted tobacco tin.

"OOO, cliche..."

HEYYYYYYYYY, I suddenly thought. BUT we live in a world of cliches. Sometimes, it's the cliches that mean something. "You mean the world to me." Remember.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, October 16, 2005 | Permalink

Anti-hiatus sentiments SPREADS.

I must report something I saw today. In my rush to school today, the red lights came on and the bus had to stop. No time. Then the door of this silver car at the side opened, and an old man decided to spit on the road. He tried, but his sticky phlegm just wouldn't take off from the mouth and in the end, he didn't spit, closed the door and ended up with more mess at his mouth than he intended. I thought it was a life snippet that could be included in one of those art films.

Then today, I was bathing and I realised I could look out and see Catholic High, the police station and the big green field. Yet, no one would have noticed my head, my eyes peering at the hustle and bustle of the streets.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, October 10, 2005 | Permalink

Today, things changed again. Today, I think it all happened and a clearer view of my future can be envisioned.

No more U.S..

No more personal essays, huge stacks of forms.

I will study Geography in University College London. It felt like a decision that was made by myself. It's like looking into a bush and having to brush past huge thickets to finally find what is inside. It was a compelling choice, and somehow when I spoke to Mr Ho about it, it felt genuine. I've always thought that studying anywhere is immaterial, but until today I realised the repercussion of studying in US. It's all prestigious, cosmopolitan and stuff but I cannot deny myself the separation of Geography into human or physical which the specialised US system forces a choice between the two. Urban studies is my main interest but I still want to learn my landforms and go on HUGE WORLD EXPEDITIONS like the highly dramatic videos geogers see in class, going through rocks to find out what happened in the past - knocking on rock to see if it falls in flakes or blocks, seeing layers of corals along the sea frontage, scaling hydrological basins! I can't study Urban Studies because it just doesn't feel right, I need to study Geography. And talking about Geography in UCL takes pages.

Brandon!, you have something to work for, and someone to work for. You have to work hard for me!

I will study now. Full speed. Suddenly there's this drive to do it because it concerns your future and you want to shape this future, not just try to do well so that you can get into a decent University or shine above other classmates.

Hiatus from here.

To classmates: Find that motivation, and it just feels right studying! For a purpose. For yourself!

Posted by Brandon at Friday, October 07, 2005 | Permalink

There is nothing much to do these days, but it seems like I have a lot to do and am doing.

4-4 gathering - I see everyone, no one actually changed at all really. And the usual beehoon, curry,bbq. Everyone talking about the FUTURE. The University. Their JCs. I think we always slip into position at Wei Ming's house, no separation between visit and drifting into it. Easing into the place, where we've been countless times.

U.S. application - Am I doing the right thing? I chose my universities so randomly and just went with instinct. BROWN, U PENN and COLUMBIA. But then again, I've always been making random decisions and somehow survived. I remember my almost deadlock decision to major in THEATRe. Then a one-off obsession with Econs. Then EDB. Then there's URA and Geography. Sometimes, it just takes one spark to start a fire. But no fire actually burns that big and long? And nothing really ever lasts no? Actually, I'm fine with studying anything anywhere, because "education is only a stepping stone for work, not a determinant" (My father, since Catholic High). Singapore's a fine place to study too, but my decision to go overseas is only in the name of fun, and probably exposure. Very often, I hear big names, big dreams and big rationales, but US is only US, it's not HAVEN and ultimately it's just another place and environment. I think I'm someone who likes to throw myself into something and would bear the consequences of the shit of life. Yes, I'm that. Yes, hey I just realised something about myself in words.

Mrs Low - Spoke with Mrs Low today about unseen and my theatre just sucks la.

["Think about your concept for your set. I think you would expect the room to be very messy with boxes everywhere", Mrs Low spoke in a proper fashion. Brandon nods furiously and hesitates and can't think of anything, and gave up and just gave, "You know what Mrs Low, when you first said that, I could only think of putting rocks in the boxes so that my actors won't kick the boxes over, (here i knew i blew it) , so that the sense of realism is sustained."(here I knew it was beyond salvation). Brandon laughs wryly.]

It is very very disconcerting. I said Erik was semi-drunk, but I thought he was, being so irrational as to play someone else's piano without permission and winking with "a winning smile" at Barbara and being a philosopher.

Foolosopher.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, October 05, 2005 | Permalink