Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

LONG LONG HIATUS.

I've been exploiting Ruth's condominium facilities these days. It makes me feel like an intruder when I spy the gates, just waiting for someone to use their cards to tab/tap/tabe? the machine, so the gates open and I follow behind closely. Makes me want to live in condo next time. Just the pool makes it worth the while. The gym, the TRULY quiet reading room... MY COUNTRY CLUB...

College Day - Mr Chew told my parents that my writing seems like "I'm trying to show how intelligent I am". Initial reaction: WHAT THE HELL? Then upon thinking on the way home, realised sometimes it can be quite true. Like we don't pursue knowledge because we desire it, but because we want to impress. To communicate in the simplest sense, discarding grandiloquence, conveying the message, the REAL message. I still don't know what the Havard Prize is, the envelope came in with a blank slip of paper. But it was BORIng.....

Thursday was quite good because almost the whole class supported Michelle and Yin Ren for their 2.4 run. We ran with them and it was quite good, I thought. Felt quite peaceful. YOU GUYS CAN MAKE IT!!! NEXT THURSDAY, AGAIN!!! Then played floorball which strained my thighs coz I dived/lunged/advanced with my right leg many times. "ALIEN" Jun Yi is a bloody pro.

Despite having discussed the prospects of studying overseas, the US education landscape to be still sound quite confusing. Then this thing about financial aid is more confusing, what bond whatnot, what need-blind whatnot. I have this impression, neither eroded nor changed for the better, that I will become somewhat like a CHINA scholar in Singapore, secretly marginalised as an international student, congregating with Singaporean compatriots, living off the securities of writing back home and indulging in dorm facilities.

The tone my Dad spoke to me about studying overseas, I will always remember, on the trip home last night. "Go ahead la hor, we will support you in your decision." It sounded quite bittersweet, don't know if I read too much into it, but they didn't sound too convincing to me. My mum spoke to me last year with horror and slight resentment against my wanting to go US. She stared blankly at me, turned back to watching TV, then turned to face me again, "You really want to go issit?"

Posted by Brandon at Friday, July 29, 2005 | Permalink

University hunt is a tough job because there's just too many unis out there. Websites don't give info that we need FIRST-hand and present a holistically idyllic image of goodness. Going by ranking sounds like a superficial gauge. The presentations don't help alot also, because we're just admiring pictures and going, "Wow." or chuckling at fun facts. Looking for uni and scholarship is not fun, finding somewhere to park myself in this world is not easy.

Tomorrow is track and field. I'll be there!!! Waiting to support for long time. When I heard from someone Lance got 1st for 400m, then I thought of this person running like a hot rabbit, with fingers straight cutting the air, slicing it like a sharp, piercing knife. It's like the knife splits into 7 others, and the other rabbits behind fall, as the knives chop their face. Glory.

I realise I've been feeling quite energised these few days, don't feel like sleeping in class anymore. Reality slapped me. I think everyone can make a difference.

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | Permalink

Long time since I felt this sense of depression. No desperation, just a stagnant feel that's slightly negative. That just sucks your energy away from your body.

Sunday was the last day of performance. I was blown away by the last segment, when we just stood on stage and went around hugging each other. People cried like mad, I thought it went quite mad. Then, as I waited for my parents, I sat under the sky, some very bright stars, alone, and taking in the sound of silence and the richness of the surroundings, beneath that yellow-orange light from the lamp that never fails to work. Then there was this sense of bitterness, and the solitude and emptiness suddenly made me realise it was ALL OVER. It was all over. Then Esmonde started to play some melancholic music at the big piano and it kind of put me in touch with my emotional side. I recalled the one other time when I was damn down, there Esmonde was playing away, in the same piercing silence, in the same darkness of the night. Recalling how even Sunil cried at the end shocked me, but made me consider what the hell TSD has done to everybody. WHAT has it done! I stood up, walked towards the gate, enjoying the nice, clean feeling of walking out as if it was reversing down memory lane, towards the closed red gates, locked. The walk ended quick despite the walk being very very slow.

Have to admit that I'm kind of lost now. Just standing there, waiting for an emergence of the slightest desire to direct me to my next movement. It's all in the mechanics.

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, July 12, 2005 | Permalink

Long time since I felt this sense of depression. No desperation, just a stagnant feel that's slightly negative. That just sucks your energy away from your body.

Sunday was the last day of performance. I was blown away by the last segment, when we just stood on stage and went around hugging each other. People cried like mad, I thought it went quite mad. Then, as I waited for my parents, I sat under the sky, some very bright stars, alone, and taking in the sound of silence and the richness of the surroundings, beneath that yellow-orange light from the lamp that never fails to work. Then there was this sense of bitterness, and the solitude and emptiness suddenly made me realise it was ALL OVER. It was all over. Then Esmonde started to play some melancholic music at the big piano and it kind of put me in touch with my emotional side. Recalling how even Sunil cried at the end shocked me, but made me consider what the hell TSD has done to everybody. I stood up, walked towards the gate, enjoying the nice, clean feeling of walking out as if it was reversing down memory lane, towards the closed red gates, locked.

Have to admit that I'm kind of lost now. Just standing there, waiting for an emergence of the slightest desire to direct me to my next movement. It's all in the mechanics.

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, July 12, 2005 | Permalink

Yasmin's tag came at a time when I was entertaining thoughts about closing this blog because I think somehow, things have changed and I've lost some ability to articulate myself. At a loss of words for life, which consists of wondering around aimlessly, bouncing off walls, scribbling on papers, messaging, and running. Don't know what I'm running towards, only know I'm running away from something quite intangible.

I say goodbye to a Neil Simon's The Odd Couple, as Cho and I did our final, final run of it last night to a fantastic audience. Even before it started, we knew that we would have this (always dubious) sense of loss after the run. We did. I think I enjoyed this play thoroughly, massively. And last night, I just couldn't sleep. I was running the entire duologue in my mind again, recalling when the audience (whom we WORK SO HARD FOR!) laughed and clapped for us, when there was one rehearsal when we SIMPLY had nothing in us (energy, passion, zest) to start acting, when we had to swap characters just 3 days before handing in journals, when I had to polish my accent ("cawfee", "scaaatch"), when I had to struggle with the fact that I was the slob when I was supposed to be the neat freak in real life.

Massive thanks to whoever's been looking over us and making sure everything's running smoothly. We all work for memories, I realise, something that is perpetually etched in our minds. And we live not to regret.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, July 10, 2005 | Permalink

Mr Chan asked me to wipe the gym for no apparent reason during PE. As in wipe every equipment and machine, with a pail of water and cloth. This guy is weird and he was talking to me about my shoes. And I didn't know what he was talking about. Remember how he was talking to Jon Cho about his shoes last term.

Looking through Universities and I've decided to go for a shot at YALE University. Nothing more but instinct. Every uni website paints an immaculately flawless picture of themselves and it's hard for me to see also. Lazy to research also, but I just want to throw myself into US because I know things will become less ... restricted. More liberal I guess.

I pity myself sometimes because I don't do a chore at home. My maid is power. I don't know how to face NS tasks and US independence. Having to wear the same thing over and over again, having to wash cups with washing liquid, having to use the alarm clock.

I realise, to a startling surprise, that Prelims is hot on our heels. And GP Prelims is less than 2 months away - this term somemore! LIFE IS SHORT. LIFE IS SHORT. DIE ME. I want to savour chicken and read prose. Listen to music and row the boats. Fly, run, walk at the same time. LIFE IS A SHOW OF STUPIDITY. (Cue: Daqiu, "Stupid.")

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, July 07, 2005 | Permalink

Last night, I was bathing and watching Taufik sing on this big screen at the field beside my HDB at the same time, through the windows. Quite bizarre. But the song sucked. "Taufik! Taufik!" went all the screechy girls...

Had a lot of fun at chalet. Don't know what to say also. Quite fun lor.

NUS Symposium tomorrow. I forgot totally. Dread.~ It's like some (maybe I'm wrong) act-intelligent gathering of people who aren't really interested. I don't even know what it's all about.

Ruth Ng of 04A55 just got stitches from falling down in Pulau Ubin. I wish this woman was more careful but SHE had to fall down - in Pulau Ubin. Get well soon and find your clutches soon.

I envision school to start on Tuesday and everyone asking, "What's the first lesson?"

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, July 03, 2005 | Permalink