Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

I think we misunderstand one another's signals very often. We drop a book, write a note, close the door, write an entry, eat a bun, cough a cough, smile winsomely, lose a game, drink water, but why can't people just SEE these things as they are?! Must it be, We drop a book that cost 500 bucks, We write a note directed at Mr X saying how he sucks, We eat a bun which has a bottle of coke in it...

Of late, I am quite psychologically dislodged from base ground. And I lose control of what I'm doing. Now, I'm someone, the other, I'm someone else. (1) Acting makes you switch in and out of role (2) You try to be objective, but can't help being extremely opinionated (3) Being on medication just sets off that madness.

THOUGHT IN THE LIFT OF HOUSE BLOCK 222 (talking about being sick):
1) I'm like a battery, which works everyday. Starts off fully charged, think I'm well, rested very long already. Charge depletes in school with bizarre weather changes, work stress, toilet rushes. Comes back home to finally arrive at charger at zero charge. Whole process repeats. Batteries don't have a social life, they have a label, they are non-living things, they get very hot when in use, they are always stuck in some compartment under a toy car or in a discman, they are always pressed between springs.
2) I thought about knocking into the transparent door. I must be the BIGGEST FOOL! My lips are deformed now. When it happened, I just stood before the door that didn't move voluntarily to let me pass or respond to the smack it caused.Blood was dripping quite slowly. At that point, I just thought my whole life was SHIT. My body felt lousy, I couldn't sleep although I need to rest, TSD waiting at school to de-charge my batteries.

For once, I wish there was no TSD.

Ok, at least, For ever, I wish there was no GEOG, ECONS, LIT!

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, May 31, 2005 | Permalink

"You know what she wants? She wants me to stay at home and take it easy at home - all cozy and quiet - let her be nice to me..."

"LET HER BE NICE TO MEEEE!", I shouted. It echoed, but it was empty. I have lost the feeling, I actually felt sleepy during my mono run. I simply sat in the wheelchair in NIGHT, and with a walking stick in my hand, I scratched my head. Then I looked up, looked left, looked right, and suddenly felt quite lonely in the darkness, in the dim lights, helpless but somehow expecting.

I just wanted to keep quiet, and move on inconspicuously. I felt like lying on the grass outside the huge poster of a guy with a look of vengeful dominion. What is the next step? I gorged myself with food.

On the way home, the aircondition thingies at the ceiling of the bus were different. Only mine was different, it was new. And the seat in front of me had a loose screw. And the traffic lights seemed to last longer than my songs. The hairdresser gave me a haircut which looks hideous - I have a square head now.

It seems like I can live in 24 Hours. Because the filth that gives you so much nose shit, the masks of a thousand expressions, the soft sofa and the temperature that is just right, gives you a refreshing feeling of newness. People come the next day after a quiet night, you open the doors for them, let them in. I head for 7-Eleven. Then it starts all over again.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, May 22, 2005 | Permalink

It's like something hidden deep in the recesses of your brain just got dug out again. A test paper underneath a huge pile of notes. It's a confusing feeling. I'm someone who just can't move on.

I'm a clown. In group. In mono. In duo.

I have lost the power of elaboration. If it existed in the first place. Brevity and Stammering.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, May 21, 2005 | Permalink

Traffic lights that switched off
Bus passengers who look down
Shards of glass at the crossroads
Folded buttskin

The white baby tramping on the pavement
70 by 70 windows in a block of concrete
Digits on a telephone
A pencil and eraser resting on a book

Printer rubbing off atoms
A heated exchange between body and cloth
Turning louver stop and wobble
Ice melting and freezing over again

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, May 15, 2005 | Permalink

Just came back from IKEA. American canteen-style dinner which I appreciated alot. It was like a cruise ship and the coziness was fantastic, and chewing juicy meatballs and soft potatoes blahblah...

DRAMA NIGHT turned out better than I expected! And good reviews! At the end, I felt like my gut just dropped to my feet. The same intestines that worked so damn hard to get a group of rowdy, curious kids on stage and perform. The curtain call was especially heart-stopping, because as I watched the cast and crew get explosive applause from the audience, I felt proud of every single of them standing on stage. Many started off amaterish and they have gone a long way. I actually shaped a full play! With Christine! Finally, all the long nights, all the flaring up, the drilling pressures, the absolute despair all dissolved into a mighty finish. Of course, it was far from perfect but at least it was a brave, daring attempt. Well done, myself! I deserve a treat!

Quite satisfied with NAPFA. I got As except for Bs in standing broad jump and pull-ups. That short teacher don't allow me to jump for the third time. I was 2 cm away from A! Pull up expected 8, my upper body quite weak. 2.4km was 9.36, aimed for below 9 but ah ya, the damn weather made me quite dizzy.

Mrs Chan spoke to me about my future prospects. And I somehow sense already that I won't do well in 'A' Levels. Because I think I know myself too well. To work under stress, I become very competitive, and selfish, and become a new person who is so intent on my goals I become someone else. I listen in class so attentively that when I miss a word, I will go all out to find out what I failed to catch. I wish there was no such thing as 'S' paper,(ECONS S SUCKS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS. WHAT THE HELLLL!!!) or scholarship or university. This morning, Mrs Chan just nominated me for Havard Book Prize and advised me to find a scholarship agency.

The business of seeking opportunities is a delusional one. You promote yourself, fleshing out every quality that defines you, hiding the flaws, parading the merits and it's 30000 sharks waiting to eat one small fish. The remaining 29 999 sharks leave with empty stomachs, disappointed, disillusioned and lost. Don't opportunities knock on our doors? Or do we knock on opportunity's doors hoping that it will open when it most likely won't?

Yesterday I did my mono showing, Today I did my duo showing. I DECLARE I HAVE LOST MY SENSE OF WONDERMENT.(Corrie, 2005) When I first heard that phrase I thought it was crap, because acting is just acting, that simple. But now, I'm so used to the stage that I've began to lose faith, courage and belief in my craft, and it has become a technical delivery of a hollow speech. It's trying to be angry when you don't need to. It's frustrating because you have lost the ability to capture magic in words, in body, in language. It's like sitting at a cafe, you're looking at the sky, then suddenly the clouds just disappear. You want to leave without paying for the coffee, looking for the clouds. I'm just not opening up anymore, because there is no more curiosity or desire to create.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, May 07, 2005 | Permalink

"Have no space to breathe" just took on a whole new meaning.

Today I was at Drama, I must have talked non-stop since 12.30, giving instructions to crew, giving notes to cast, communicating in successiveness until around 7. I just stopped, sat down, closed my eyes, and took a breath. A deep deep breath. I've lost control of myself in trying to do a million things, answering queries from crew and cast that came with no end in sight. There were just so many things to do and consider.

I was so into the whole directing thing that I realised at this moment, that I was surrounded by people who either were taking a nap on the PT seats, stoning or eyes puffy red and yet there I was still buzzing with new directorial concepts or notes for the actors. It has been a long day, and Ganesh suddenly asked me, "How come you still have so much energy?" I was momentarily lost for an answer, not knowing what to say. That's when I really stopped, borrowed some water because my bottle was already empty, sat down on the floor and rested.

That was when I discovered how damn tired I was, that I could actually feel hunger, that I was desperately in need of some mental correction. I needed to adjust to a state where I still know who I was and what I was doing. Behind my head is the intensity of the week to come. Yet to memorise script for duo slot with Cho tomorrow. Yet to find time to help with script for group. Yet to finish all my homework and piles of readings from Ms Lian. Yet to read Country Wife. Yet to prepare for mono to show this week. I was so busy I actually forgot to send my parents to the airport.

All that said, DRAMA NIGHT needs your support. Directorial debut this Friday at the PT!

Posted by Brandon at Monday, May 02, 2005 | Permalink

Glossolalia was good. (spelt correctly?) Poetry, song and food. Then did this super impromptu song with Conan playing a left-handed guitar. Crap. Amos was shit funny with his tribute to Sylvia Plath. Drama mama. "Sylvia, sylvia, you bastard, I'm through"

Then had teh-see (spelling?) at Killiney. Talk for a few hours, just sit and stone.

Yes, ELIM CHEW! The Forum on Social Enterprise rocked!!! Elim Chew, founder of 77th street, is by far the best speaker I've seen and heard, most inspiring, most motivating. She made everyone want to seize the opportunity to help the community. Amazing woman with fortitude. She spoke for an hour and every minute of it, I was listening.

I am looking into volunteer work hopefully on weekends. Suddenly, you realise that there are people in Singapore who need the help, people who are less fortunate. Suddenly, you realise all the bullshit you thought about poverty and disease was actually true. Suddenly, you are inspired to change the world. It's that pressing. If you weren't there, you wouldn't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, May 01, 2005 | Permalink