Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

I am proud to announce I just completed my Plath essay in 2 hours and 30 minutes. Very satisfying. But my butt is damn hot now.

GEOG TRIP I think it was the perfect trip. A mix of fun and serious work, of luxurious accomodation to pathetic living conditions, of good singers and bad bus idols, of Ms Lian's admirable sense of physical adventure and laudable sense of intellectual inquiry, of day and night. 55 Geogers rocked the world! It was an escape from the world we all live in, into another dimension we came back from with loads of memories.

IS My grade is a B! Better than expected. So of course, can say quite pleased arh. The comments were very true and frank. And I know that if I continued with my DS, it would just be churning out more "good fluff", so my choice is now open. It's always exciting to be free of the screws and bolts that once held us together, to build a new self that takes effort, blood and smiles to re-construct. Let it all begin AGAIN!

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, March 29, 2005 | Permalink

I switched on MSN Messenger today. It said, "No new messages". I didn't believe a word of that. I clicked on the hyperlink and tada!, my mailbox was full. What the hell.

Today I blasted at someone on the bus home. It was rude and impolite of me, I know, but I felt way better. People were looking but heck. That guy was literally SHOUTING into his mobile.

Tonight's jog was refreshing. I thought about lots of things. I guess at this point in time, my life is totally screwed up. In a mess. And tonight I just ran to my heart's content, not caring about how tired my legs were or how breathless I was. Studies - essays undone, lousy grades somemore, got thrashing by Scholarship Board, Rest - tired like mad but no choice, one day only has 24 hours, People - can sometimes feel very lonely, helpless and confused, Family - parents whom I think have lost their love for each other, Balance - tipped all the way to TSD.

My IS is over. Haha, I know, it was ultimately, ok. It was satisfactory la. I am VERY proud of it. I remember all the mad things I did to construct that crazy set: searching that awful dump everyday for new props, begging teachers and friends toborrow this and that, setting up on Saturday night and getting cut by broken mirrors and thinking I saw a ghost, getting flowers from everywhere and never expecting to collect that amount. Lights - AVA lights always screwing up, the search for the elusive purple gel, the rigging of a thousand fresnels and profiles. I enjoyed every minute of it, every living moment I shared with the piece. My juniors, although "nonsensical" sometimes/all the time, were phenomenal. Such professionalism, though had to be strict.

I recall 2 things that happened yesterday. One, was the moment once the lights dimmed at the end of the DS. Once I heard the clapping, I knew it!!!! It wasn't really fantastic, right! Dammit! Haha. Two, was the moment when I was carrying my props back to 24 hours, when I was sweating like a fat, racing pig, the sight of everyone staring at me as if mocking my stupidity for doing such a massive set! Dammit!

Today, as expected, felt quite empty. Lost a little bit of direction but I'm back! BACK!

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, March 22, 2005 | Permalink

Clad in fresh but mismatched denim, and cluelessly wriggling past the colourful mardi gras of intermingling societies, waiters foolishly yet carefully balancing wine trays in fear of losing their day pay, organisers quite sadly herding the mules of theatre into the theatre, big shots in their own highly presidential exclusive zones, nobodies in a tight corner darting glimpses across the room with slightly raised eyebrows, reporters fervently fishing for juicy interviews from news-worthy nominees, I frowned my way into the theatre.

5th Life! Theatre Awards. What the hell was happening to me? I was desperately looking for something real. Erase all facades and I'd be left with empty wine cups and an empty room and Ms Samantha Scott-Blackhall.

WELL DONE!!! We won best director and BEST set! Fabulous, amazing! Claps! Winning is a euphoric worm.

That was all. Other than Adrian Pang's funny antics (they were truly funny), the Awards reminded me of how depressed a soul I was. An ikan bilis searching for light in an ocean of inordinate proportions. No I didn't want an award or I don't need one. I need to penetrate into myself and find a self that does theatre for its beauty and does theatre because it will be appreciated, not judged, played with, but not intruded into.

It's always the same old faces I see. It's like a monopoly game where the rules don't change, the host doesn't change and even the players are the same. I've began to lose faith in the things I do, the things I've held on without a doubt with passion and dignity. It's what happens offstage, and the victory is still preserved for the sacred stage.

I congratulated Ms Samantha Scott-Blackhall in jubilation and with a smile. Suddenly, it all didn't matter, it just sank into a cup of fudgy rotten tomatoes. That petite size, that bunny face and the real smile, I'm glad I was part of it all. Finally, a heroine among thorny beds.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, March 16, 2005 | Permalink

Neither here nor there - that's exactly how I feel now.

It hit me that all my recent entries are about TSD. I just hoped it would get out, to be frank, no matter how great this process is to me. And it should stop harassing me when I'm urinating, having lunch, surfing the Net, or even in my dreams. I think it is delusion? A pursuit that we follow closely and lose ourselves in it.

I promise not to talk about my DS until after the exam itself.

For now, I will enjoy what the holidays bring: (I just typed that not knowing what to follow up next). Since Primary School, I've learnt to expect nothing from holidays. Holidays are shit. It means more work, more time for my thoughts to wander, more trouble to get into.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, March 13, 2005 | Permalink

Watching people change skills is like watching passengers step off a train and boarding another one, with no idea where either train is heading. It's a process of moving on, yet one filled with immense mystery. It's a self-correcting mechanism that helps achieve eventual equilibrium, I think. Cutting through the wheat fields, and whizzing past exotic mountains and rivers, living a nomadic life. Enjoying now, but the destination is a sudden halt and hopefully we don't get thrown off the train. I hope I am thrown out because I need a new train.

An evident trace of stress is tailing everyone. Everyone's conjuring images in their minds, one extreme a hope for an elusive A, the other a knowledge of self-insufficiency. Somehow this seems to be it. Do or die. Crash or burn. But I'm sincerely proud to say that our theatre is an amazing mix of diversity. It's a celebration, almost.

No

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, March 12, 2005 | Permalink

Watching people change skills is like watching passengers step off a train and boarding another one, with no idea where either train is heading. It's a process of moving on, yet one filled with immense mystery. It's a self-correcting mechanism that helps achieve eventual equilibrium, I think. Cutting through the wheat fields, and whizzing past exotic mountains and rivers, living a nomadic life. Enjoying now, but the destination is a sudden halt and hopefully we don't get thrown off the train. I hope I am thrown out because I need a new train.

An evident trace of stress is tailing everyone. Everyone's conjuring images in their minds, one extreme a hope for an elusive A, the other a knowledge of self-insufficiency. Somehow this seems to be it. Do or die. Crash or burn. But I'm sincerely proud to say that our theatre is an amazing mix of diversity. It's a celebration, almost.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, March 12, 2005 | Permalink

Been reaching home past 11pm these days. I've been staying in school everyday since Monday, and am proud to say I've been the last person to leave 24 hours, and VJC for 5 straight nights. The TSD room makes you want to stay even if you don't have slots. Just laze around and sitting there, knowing that next year this time, it would all be memories. Just the knowledge of us in theprocess of shaping history, though bumping around like kids in a mad block, creating impactful theatre is enough reason to not complain about studies, fatigue and politics. We are blessed.

I am determined to improve my Literature! DETERMINED! Been getting mediocre grades for my Lit essays. Bloody hell.

WHIP MYSELF! PUSH MYSELF! There's always a limit we've never met and said hallo to.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, March 11, 2005 | Permalink

My mind suddenly wondered off to a state where I ask myself things. Plain things. Ever since last Thursday, I have this feeling I've got a shorter left leg. I fished out the idea off my head, but I'm still limping after three days. Why do we have to realise things late? And later get slapped in the face for being stupid to believe in baseless realisations.

Again thinking, about this left leg. Imagined I only had 1 month to live. I would quit school, and consider being a monk. Eating greens everyday. Make it a point to do good deeds. And spend time with all the people who had made a difference. I would step down the podium, off the lintel, and I would fade into a memory, a painting or something. Deep inside, I believe everyone has had such a thought before. To die in a month or two. Then realise actually one won't die so easily.

If we didn't possess the notion of logic, we would have died long ago. We would walk into cars whizzing at top speed, we let fire burn us, we would drink melted gold. Who bought us logic? Who taught us to fly when we haven't learnt to crawl?

Today is a day of reflection and confused thoughts. A stopping point in a journey. A very very long journey. I shaved my head for a new start. Clean my soul of past filth and grub. It's a refreshing beginning. I looked into the mirror today and a fresh breath of determination swam in a school, into me. I will be in school, smiling! The power of freshness is the power of whiteness.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, March 06, 2005 | Permalink

PROUDNESS!!!!

THE PHYSICISTS is nominated for the most awards for Life! Theatre Awards 2005! Best Actor, best supporting actress, BEST DIRECTOR (congrats!!!), best lighting, best set... and PRODUCTION OF THE YEAR!!! This is fantastic news! I want us to win! I want us to win! We have high chance!

I want to go to the ceremony and see PHYSICISTS win. I want the cast and crew of THE PHYSICISTS to be on stage, with director Samantha holding the award high. It's euphoric, man! We've had our technical crises ("dire straits" just a few days before opening night), late nights, many good reviews and one bad one from Business Times, and we deserve it because our director simply rocks!

But a huge part of me doesn't want to go because I'd be meeting the cast again. The dua-pais. The divas. I would have to put on a fake smile and say "Hi" and "Goodbye" although I don't mean it. I would have no one to talk to in the audience, except for Samantha or the crew maybe. I would be bored because I don't know half the nominees. I would sit as usual, with my mouth agape, eyes wondering, occasionally farting and shifting in my seat. I would have to care about what I wear, look, smell. I would have to socialise in the post-event party and drink punch among wine-sippers.

It's weeds. It's weeds. It's weeds, "building its intricate architecture high into the air". I will go in my VJ uniform. Hehe.

My DS is on its way. Finally took off. I pray it doesn't crash and burn.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, March 04, 2005 | Permalink