Jolly Folly, Mighty Morphin'

I awfully need to reward myself after slogging so hard for my essays. 3 done and 4 to go. One full day of writing and typing. I don't think I ever typed so much in one go before. TSD essay was the killer, and haughtily munched up 5 hours of my afternoon. Physical Geog essay went past pretty smoothly but internal brain drain made the essay quite messy. Did PC assignment instead of Ariel assignment which needs to handed in this Friday, because I was blur and confused. And when I went jogging at 10, I could feel myself liberated from all these, my limbs free from the rigidity of the office chair. Orgasmic almost.

Been 1 and a hlaf week since my DS was borne. But my toy monkey and my full-length mirror and my musical box and my throne haven't been found. If anyone reading this has means to get any of the above, (low, non-existent budget) please. Please help me!!! I'd owe you one.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 30, 2005 | Permalink

Ever wondered how it would have been to be able to reverse the order of things? Or un-do the stuff you'd regretted doing? Sitting in the costume room last night, alone, in a pitch-blackness that hung over my eyes, running in my mind were the wrongs I'd done. If I were a brand new person, a newborn, and had a choice of who I could be, it would be a joltingly refreshing experience. It would have its own regrets, its own pains and shackles, but it would be a fresh layer of skin, that wraps the same piece of meat, but cleansed within.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, January 29, 2005 | Permalink

Yesterday was inter-house bowling tournament. Super lame. We had the usual ball-falls-to-the-back-before-setting-off scenerios, the Matilda-tries-to-sway-ball magic, awful/resplendent postures. And of course, obscene scores. But it was quite satisfying. In the end I ended up 21st, and my friend Jiehui earned top honours, being the graceful last she had gone all out to achieve. Haha~ Then had dinner/supper at this place. The chicken rice was great. Soup was free and we were offered unlimited supply.

Drama Club is proud to say we have quite cool juniors this year. I remember last year, I was trying to pon/escape/find excuse to leave during the first few sessions. This year, they are showing a lot of enthusiasm and a tad more potential than the Year 2s.

Group was, how should I say? Draining? Fulfilling? Playful? Today I was really stoning and I lost all concentration since the nap I took from 2.35 to 2.55. Tomorrow is another long day.

Amazing Race is here in 5 minutes. A weekly dose not to be missed.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, January 26, 2005 | Permalink

Suddenly hearing in my mind Daphne's "Comez onz, comez onz... (some kind of shit like) Rodeo/Rocher/Roach, Comez onz comez onz" Really catchy. The "z" gives the cheer a tingy, push-forward effect.

Oooo, my father just gave a loud fart. Loud farts usually don't smell. It's those farts that leave your ass in sliced portions, creepily engulf an enclosed space, sneak into your respiratory system without notice, before you realise the full force of the smell it brings along, slowly taking over your whole system. I usually like to drop bomb when I'm with my family. My anti-bomb mum will quickly run to open the windows and release the gates so that all is well again. She HATES me for that! Haha.

I should stop picking up stuff! Today, it was a fish tank with pump, a chair, a ladder, some doors and a huge cloth. Tomorrow shall all be reaching school if not my mum will complain that my house is gonna become a junkyard.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 23, 2005 | Permalink

The room was filled with laughter. We were being told of the characters we were playing for the Scottish play. I was the first one in the row, so the director pointed his finger at me, but decided to skip me. Everyone else got told of a definite role, be it Hecate or Banquo. Then it came back to me,

"So you will play the Sergeant and the sons. Need to get you a dresser."

That was all he said. Before that moment, I already expected myself to be utterly dismayed. But I wasn't. Perhaps the notion of numbness is a familiar feeling. A lack of it probably. How should I put it. Ok, I get the role, ok, move on. That was it. Maybe I have long resigned to fate and a relative lack of talent.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, January 22, 2005 | Permalink

Illegally stayed overnight at TSD Room. Not used to calling it 24 hours. Slept in the studio. Day. It was a starry starry night, and all that nonsense (improv, kfc supper courtesy of the female version of me, talk about life and strangeness...) settled in a hard-floor slumber. Fun, what else!

Then came group at Dawn's house. We now have a very interesting group name that isn't very long. And it's quite funny. None of my group members could say it without laughing. Serious. We tried.

Yes, I've been getting sleepness nights over DS. Not insomnia. Just can't sleep because believe it or not, I have the DS in mind. Keep thinking of possible changes. And today I was passing by this big refuse dump when I saw an excellent prop. Grabbed it, brought it home, and ran back to find more stuff. Dismantled a cupboard to get some wood, stole 8 small crate boxes and a bamboo pole. There is nothing more exciting.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, January 21, 2005 | Permalink

Mr Chew is going to buy a wife from Cambodia. I chose not to say anything there and then because it's just like a story plucked out from a newspaper report or a fictional novel, so unreal and it makes you wonder why people want to do such things. The questions of morality and true love we usually discuss in Literature or theatre texts, which we find cliche and boring, are being asked right now, in an age of supposed purity and uprighteousness. I'm sure, though, he has his reasons and being the logical mind that Mr Chew is, he MUST have made up his mind.

I dare to say that our group has gone the farthest in our idea development. It's a super imaginative plot confined in a realistic setting. But I still hang on to one faith: No complacency!~ A must!

I met my juniors. Should I say I was very boring or were the juniors plain stoning? I think I have a very stoned face that's why, they seemed like they were hit by champagne bottles. All looked so lifeless. But then again, last year, I don't think I remember myself jumping at joy when asked to do Kabuki with Gen or Sound with Calin. Then there was this girl I think called Mingyu who simply gushed and puffed, rushed and huffed my way and insisted she joined my Phantom IS. She was literally breathless, and when I asked her to be Christine, she kept fanning herself in disbelief. Oddness personified.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, January 19, 2005 | Permalink

My life has come to a point where I just don't want to blog but there's just something to blog about. Somehow after a good ol'rant, the sea's calm and cool again. Then after what I've typed just a second ago, I don't want to say anything else anymore. Last time, I wrote in my essays "the feeling was indescribable". After having settled in a college by the sea, I've truly realised what it actually means to feel numb and enthusiastic, stoning and revolting, sad and jubilant at the same time. I realise that my writing, my descriptions have found so much more truth in themselves. I don't know about you. I found that actually, feeling for people became less real.

Mr Lofthouse talked about metacognition today. How true. How odd that I feel I'm an expert in this. This thing about feeling a thousand emotions, thoughts and concerns all at one time. I was born to have it. I live to practise it, on stage, in real life.

I feel small. In a world where such rants don't make any sense anymore.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, January 17, 2005 | Permalink

My stamina is in deep shit. Seriously. There is a certain doom in the breathlessness I experience. A doom that tells me to give up. I never felt like that. I bet my 2.4 timing will not improve, if not worsen. I want it to go below 10mins.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 16, 2005 | Permalink

I hope I was you. You got the best star in the sky, you picked it up because it fell at your feet. I really envy you. You wave to say goodbye and I can feel an instant sparkle in your eyes. Of course, when alone, you sail to faraway islands, waiting for a return or a reply. You get it. Because you meet, again in a faraway, in the darkest corner,where no one knows and plant a fruit tree that is uprooted the next day.

Well done. Seamlessly.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 16, 2005 | Permalink

I couldn't wait for a weekday to watch the Phantom of the Opera. So I went for the one and only showing at GV Bishan.

What can I say? Or maybe, what should I say?

I think the visual treats are too amany. You keep getting spectacle after spectacle, you kind of get bored after being manipulated to be "surprised". But of course, you can't help but be wowed. I think all three actors nailed it really well, despite some reviews saying the Phantom (Gerald Butler I think) wasn't good. The songs were marvellous. The plot, though, was presented with much less care and thus left me baffled by some parts. Also maybe, the ending could have been better? The revelation and excitement culminates to such a high point and it all ends with the blowing out of a candle. It was a pity really.

IS. IS. IS. C'mon. IS. I've got a new motivation in life.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 16, 2005 | Permalink

After a groggy afternoon, I returned home for a hearty nap.

How cool is it to do a monologue from the Phantom of the Opera! PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! And acting the Phantom part! Acting a ghost! Suddenly I'm very excited at the prospect. This is a shout-out to TSD peeps:

ANYONE INTERESTED IN HELPING ME WITH AN EASY HALF-MASK? Anyone knows how to ermmm... make a mask? COSTUME ALSO?

Now, I'm drinking this tea that aids digestion because I ate too much for dinner. 3 hours and I still feel full and bloated.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, January 14, 2005 | Permalink

Talking with Mr Peh Yin Ren can be a chore sometimes because you can't hear what he's saying. (Often I talk gibberish too :P) But often he gives quite insightful views of life and theatre. As in from him, I realised there is another perspective on life you can take and there are countless possibilities. Somehow, I feel guilty because he is one well-read freak. Shakespeare is his man. And it's utter shame to be a TSD and Literature student who doesn't know many ermmmm things.

Today I had a total of thirteen 35-minute periods. Compared to tomorrow, where I will be having four 35-minute periods. Now you kow how shagged I am. And Geography essay still beckons. When my bed is calling me...

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, January 13, 2005 | Permalink

This is an appeal to Shawn Loh. I think we, as your Cat High friends and classmates, are very concerned as to how you are now and where you are? Maybe you want to drop me a call or message as and when you feel comfortable. I repeat, we are concerned about your well-being, not being nosey.

Today I had the thought of quitting Drama Club. It was a fleeting decision, something I came up with when I was slacking around. But it was so strong it stuck so hard to me. I spoke to the teachers and Christine. Somehow I felt stagnant in Drama Club. It's time I needed a breakthrough, something fresh so that life doesn't become so boring. Another reason was TSD. Crossroads.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, January 12, 2005 | Permalink

This is an appeal to Shawn Loh. I think we, as your Cat High friends and classmates, are very concerned as to how you are now and where you are? Maybe you want to drop me a call or message as and when you feel comfortable. I repeat, we are concerned about your well-being, not being nosey.

Today I had the thought of quitting Drama Club. It was a fleeting decision, something I came up with when I was slacking around. But it was so strong it stuck so hard to me. I spoke to the teachers and Christine. Somehow I felt stagnant in Drama Club. It's time I needed a breakthrough, something fresh so that life doesn't become so boring. Another reason was TSD. Crossroads.

Posted by Brandon at Wednesday, January 12, 2005 | Permalink

The "groupies" had a weird meeting and a weird improvisation and a weird game of scissors paper stone. Meeting was all about trashing out ideas and making sense of what we were talking about. Impro consisted of some awkward conversation and pauses, like we were all birds flying in a cage willingly, but can't wait to get out of the situation because we don't know what's next. Scissors paper stone saw Yin Ren change scissors to gun. Positively funny. Dangerous obesession with guns and morbid deeds.

Today is the SHITTIEST day of the week, consisting of 4 periods of GEOGRAPHY with a class that appreciates the lamest jokes on earth and 4 periods of BORING ECONOMICS with Mr Cook trying to be lame again. Only one decent tsd lesson. Shagged already. Really very.

Apparently, we learnt from Ms Lian, there are certain exercises you can do before an examination to up your alertness, your calmness, and the ability of your left and right brains to cross. What crap. From RGS eh.

Long time since I'm sick. It's a runny nose. Reminds me of MR Goh Keng Phang who trims his nasal hair with specialised equipment.

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, January 11, 2005 | Permalink

What an amazing day. AMAZING.

A day of mixed feelings. Drifting dangerously into a world of my own. Identity crisis. Of epic proportions. There are people in this world we always meet and always greet, yet you don't even know who they really are, what their birthdays are, what brand of chocolates or shoes they like. It's another of those days where you question your existence in the world and how insignificant you can get.

This is a world that is closing up on me. The lush wilderness are views from the sightlines and we are players of a game we know nuts about. We don't seek to receive, but hopefully we give and are appreciated.

What a fuss people are making about my shoes. Don't mind me being rude but I didn't buy them for your eyes. I seriously don't mind people joking about how gaudy the shoes are, how weird I look in them because I'm fine with it. And don't insult me. MY SHOES ARE RED! SO WHAT! Bloody Hell! Don't call be a colourblind. Don't call me a nutcase. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve that. Sometimes, respect is all you can and should have given to me because I'm only human. Who the fuck are you to judge me! Lose your airs and move on with life!!!! Get out of my sight seriously because you're simply a pain in the ass. I'm gonna wear my shoes everyday because I like it and it's none of your business. I'm gonna do whatever I like and just do your job, and I'll do mine.

Posted by Brandon at Monday, January 10, 2005 | Permalink

Today I visited my Grandma. She's quite a darling really. To me, she's a hero.

She's old and wrinkled. Her gnarled skin. When we were still in Yishun, staying just side by side (adjoining flats), those days were quite very memorable. She saw me grow up really, instilled in me a strong sense of frugality. I remember how she always reminded my brothers and I to finish every bit of rice in our bowls as she fed us, sitting on a low stool as we crawled about actively. She kept cardboards, collected newspapers and every Sunday would be the day she reaps what she has sown. The whole family will gather, and carry all her stuff downstairs to be sold to the karung guni. 50 dollars, 30 dollars or sometimes even 15 dollars, she would be happy.

She would nag, all the time, telling you things you think you'd have already heard a billion times. Then, I never knew what she was getting at. She was a pain indeed.

Then we moved to Bishan. It was as if the withdrawal symptoms set in. Her constant nagging came to a halt. She would add more fish my lunch or give me more dessert after dinner. She would sometimes just stroke my head and shout at me, the content I have long forgotten because I've heard them for umpteen times.

Every Sunday, I make it a point to go down, because I know that she longs to just talk to me. Everytime she sees me, she gives this very slight smile, not a hysterical laughter nor a straight face - only a slight smile, as if appreciative of what life has done for her. Although she keeps her tradition of repeating her theory of how I should always help my brothers with their homework, I always just listen. Because I know she misses us and it feels sad to leave all the time.

Because of her, my life was changed.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 09, 2005 | Permalink

Today was public performance.

Stepped in with a point to make, a story to tell, a thing to share. Simply needed someone to talk to. But felt that no one would understand. Today's Young Company was bad. My Shakespeare reading of McBeth was hideous, absolutely embarrassing.

Sometimes, I think I can be a bloody perfectionist. But today's sort of audition was nowhere near decent. I felt like an amateur speaking. I couldn't even read fluently without breaking the flow every 5 words. Not to mention adding emotion or speaking in iambic pentameter. The more I read, the more mistakes I made because the more anxious I became. I felt so confused and shamed.

Somehow I felt at that moment in time, someone could identify with me and tell me what to do. I remember how depressed I was when I was cast as some disgusting role in Dracula, one that only had one line which was in the end cancelled. I was disappointed but chose not to show it. In the end, I opted for Drinkwater which the director had previously decided to cancel. I felt dejected, as if all my dreams were shattered and my life could end that one moment.

It seems like nothing I do now will change the director's choice of casting. I shall make no excuse, like saying that I'm a Method actor or a dumbass who can't act at all. I did badly. I should face it, move on and hopefully a good opportunity comes.

Call me shallow but frankly there was this thought that struck me:

I will always be a supporting role, I will never breakthrough. I will never be outstanding because I always let myself down in auditions, because I always try too hard to be good. Screw it.

Posted by Brandon at Saturday, January 08, 2005 | Permalink

After all the flurry about my trashy monologue, it finally took off today. And feeling nothing, not knowing whether I did well or not after the performance was a scary emotion. Absurd. People actually laughed at some point. Weird laughs.

Yes, Mrs Low, Mrs Christina Tan, Mr Young, Mrs Dawn Lee and Mr Harris said it was good. I wasn't dying to hear whether I was a great actor, if I was fantastic. I only wanted to know if it worked. The whole foray into absurd theatre. And how glad was I to hear good news. And Dong too! Wow, overwhelmed because I did it for the sake of art, for a craft or genre that I knew few would even understand. Not for cheap laughs or entertainment's sake (apparent in almost all my other previous works).

I did it! YEA! And I have Mr Lofthouse to thank. He let me see so much light. Really, and I appreciated it a lot. He's phenomenal.

Posted by Brandon at Friday, January 07, 2005 | Permalink

Yesterday is a bookmarked day of extreme frustration.

Monologue scare - Plunged right into crisis with much worry. Imagine a fish staring right at you on the cutting board. Instead of preserving the meat, you choose to keep the gills and scales. Now, I'm desparately trying to retrieve all the flesh from the dustbin, the flesh that has fallen 22 storeys down to the basement dumpbin. I need to save it quickly before it rots into air. And tomorrow night is the deadline, the expiry that will spell disaster if left untreated. I can almost imagine myself doing my monologue halfway and stopping in my tracks and saying, "Sorry, I will start again."

Wallet loss - This was a mad rush for an elusive something that never seemed to exist or never will appear anytime soon. I am utterly disappointed with the way I treated it because there was absolutely no recall of the whereabouts of my wallet in view of the tragic occurrence of the abovementioned case number one.

Hunger - Growling stomach. Never helped. No coins to buy biscuits or drinks due to the tragic occurrence of the abovementioned case number two. No one around in school.

Posted by Brandon at Thursday, January 06, 2005 | Permalink

I want to thank this blog for the company it has provided. And thank you for just staying the same although I've been nagging all day and begging for change. It has been a year! Looked at my archives and realised it has indeed been a year. I'm getting very old.

Quoting Ms Jiehui who derailed from Sumiko Tan's report to opening up a mysterious discussion about my blog in GP class yesterday, my blog is very "fresh". What an ambiguous word. Mr Chew had to contribute, saying that my blog comments are very cutting and unfortunately it doesn't show in my essays. Haha. Maybe I was born to act, write, behave politically correct in any circumstance.

Today, the TSD seniors met the juniors. We pretended to be professional. Not that we weren't or aren't in the first place but we were trying a little too hard, a little too deliberately, to portray an image that intimidates rather than welcomes. Luckily it didn't turn out to be so "serious" and "formal" as we envisioned it to be, the juniors played along very well. Very sporting. Looks like a great bunch to work with.

Unfortunately, tears were shed and minds were twisted when some were stuck at the cross-roads after the GM. Some were torn between choosing a subject they don't like at all (eg. GEOG) and choosing a subject they don't think they can commit (eg. TSD). I didn't see a need to fret, much less a need to cry. Because the choice is obvious. But ain't Singaporean parents just like that?

There is a crisis. My monologue is a mess. Tomorrow is the showing. I have this issue with absurdist writers. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Conan and Zhan Hui have done some cool absurd pieces before. They were so cool that somehow I feel my level of dramatic intensity just doesn't fit the bill. It's a conflict between cool and intense. And before I go on, what the hell am I talking about?

Posted by Brandon at Tuesday, January 04, 2005 | Permalink

Singapore is through to the finals! This is a feeling of shiokness. Stunned and happy! Although the pitch sucked like hell. It's Malaysia or Indonesia at the finals. Please let it be Indonesia. Hopefully the National Team will finally have something to be proud of!

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 02, 2005 | Permalink

Watching the rain, with a hot cup of Lipton Tea and with 4 light bulbs illuminating the room.

Somehow on 2nd January, the feeling is different from 2 days ago. It is something like, you want to do something so badly, but you just can't get your ass off and JUST DO IT. Somehow the transition into the last year of a half decade, just 3 years away from the Beijing Olympics, with all the gloom surrounding the nation, life has taken a turn for a never-before worse. But on Christmas day, just a week ago, there seemed to be so much hope, hustle and bustle in this city we call home. The festive season, some call it, the season of giving. Every0ne had enough, enjoyed themselves, made merry and settled for no less than joy. But the first few days of the New Year, a pessimistic trailer to a movie that will never take off. Or will flop at the box-office.

But in every dark room, there must remotely be a small candle in one of the thousand cabinets. Soon, when all the shrouded fear has dispelled, we will find it, and light it and cherish it.

Posted by Brandon at Sunday, January 02, 2005 | Permalink